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Holiday Hints to Chuck Out
by Saralee Perel
Must we be barraged every holiday season by those annually irritating experts who suggest we deny ourselves everything from one lousy cookie to a single piece of pie? Cooks who offer the finest of Cape Cod cuisine bear the brunt of inane dieting tips.
I’ll paraphrase advice I’ve read and then add my opinion.
That’s a great idea. When your host has painstakingly labored to make her specialty Cape Cod Quahogs, she’ll be thrilled when everyone grabs big fat carrots from their pockets or purses and gnaws on those instead.
Heck. Why don’t we just lug the host’s garden hose into the festive party room, turn it on and suck on it every time we’re offered a fried clam?
We want to feel miserably uncomfortable when we eat one steamer. Parties are more fun when we can’t breathe.
This doesn’t make sense. It necessitates making over 10 trips to the buffet table.
Oh, this is a beauty. When I e-mailed this tip to my friend Mike, he replied, “Seriously … who takes cheese into the bathroom?”
Plus, if everyone reads Kristin’s article and puts food in the bathroom, that room will look like a separate party for the gastronomically impaired.
Have you ever stared at a Wellfleet oyster the second it’s shucked? Do you really want to see your food moving right before you eat it?
When I blotted my mother’s kishka (don’t ask) using her handmade lace napkins, she disinherited me.
Well, isn’t that special.
The only things left will be Portobello mushrooms. (Their name is French for big old flat doorknobs.) The lobster they were stuffed with will be gone. We’ll be looking at gray floppy discs with gills.
And so, if you’re a skinny person who can eat anything, we all hate you. For the rest of us, maybe we can enjoy some holiday food without feeling guilty.
At my house, you’re welcome to stack, blot or pile your food. But would you mind not hiding it in the bathroom?
Photographs courtesy of Deb Flohr
Saralee Perel is an award-winning nationally syndicated columnist. Her new book, Cracked Nuts & Sentimental Journeys: Stories From a Life Out of Balance, is available in local bookstores.
It can also be ordered through Amazon, or directly from the publisher, as well as from Saralee for a personalized signed copy.
Her novel, Raw Nerves, is also available as a paperback and an e-book on Amazon.